Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Dear Cupid: Lesbian Thoughts are "Just a Phase"
(Link) When a 17-year-old already admits she likes girls and writes in for advice on how to handle an extreme crush, does she get advice on handling the crush? Of course not! These wise heteros tell her to "just ignore it" because it's "experimenting."
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JIC Post:
From DearCupid
A female reader, anonymous writes:
I'm a 17 year old female. I have really bad anxiety and depression. I think it might be caused by a huge secret I have: I think I like girls. Right now, there is one in particular that I just can't stop thinking about. She is on one of my sports teams. I told myself that I could stand it if we were just friends, but my anxiety has made it so hard to do just even that. I was afraid that if I asked her to hang out, or if I asked her to be my friend, that she would think I liked her more than just a friend. I also feared that she would say no, because she just seems so perfect, and I seem so low. One day she saw me crying and she told me that she was there to talk to me, but before I could take her up on her offer, our season came to a break, and it won't start up for months, so I won't see her, and it's making me sadder than ever. What should I do?
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A reader, Bev Conolly ♥, writes (17 January 2006):
Bev Conolly agony auntDon't be too quick to pigeonhole your sexuality into an either/or. There are lots of grey areas, particularly when you're in your late teens. A large fraction of young women aren't entirely sure whether they're gay, bi or straight at this time in their lives, and there is a lot of experimentation that goes on. You're not the first or only one with this concern.
Whilst you may discover that you are a lesbian when you've had a few more sexually-active years to find out who you are, it really doesn't matter *what* you call yourself right now.
If you're attracted to a female team mate, then it could be a particularly profound admiration for her skill and abilities, as seen through a lens of naturally high libido. Or, you might be gay. Does the reason for the attraction affect the intensity of your feelings? Probably not.
So don't worry about being gay or straight just now. If you feel comfortable enough with your team mate to try to get to know her in a romantic relationship, then treat your attraction the same way that you would if the object of your affection were a young man. (Thoughtfully, carefully, slowly, kindly) When the season commences again, try to get to know her as a friend and see where things progress.
In the meantime, there are other people in the world too, not overlooking your friends! Do things to entertain yourself and have fun. Follow your other infatuations and learn to enjoy your own company too. That's really the best way to be attractive to other people (or either sex) and will give you a good idea about what your sexual orientation is going to be in the long term.
Just don't worry. Nothing is set in stone!
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A male reader, Mr.Ed ♥, writes (17 January 2006):
Mr.Ed agony auntDiscovering your sexuality is very difficult at your age. Lot's of people experiment with it, just to see if they really are a lesbian/gay. Several letters have been written about this issue. Some even question the validity of their experiment. I would only offer this advice; before you experiment try to understand that if you really have depression; you will only be complicating a serious medical problem, by allowing the experience to happen. I care enough to respond to your letter and can tell you I too suffer from anxiety and depression. I was fortunate enough to not make that mistake, but many of my friends did. In time if you really are a lesbian it will surfice and you will know for sure. Then you can honestly be proud of who you are and where your heading. As for your urges you might see a professional about taking wellbutrin or another anti-depressant and it should calm down your anxiety as well. Once you stabalize your emotions you can sift through each one to decide what it real and what is not. Keep your friend in your heart not in your head and she just might turn out to be your best friend.
Good luck
Ed
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